After all, only love matters... In all forms, only love...

Ben küçükken, daha orta okuldayken, yeni yeni lisedeyken falan herşeyin gazına gelirdim. Bir yerlerden duyduğum fikirlere delice tutunup, o fikirleri hayatımın merkezi yapar, o kurallara göre yaşamaya çalışırdım... Küçüktüm... Bir çok sebebi vardı öyle olmanın... Hoşlandığım oğlanlardı belki beni gaza getiren, belki daha 'cool'du birşeylere karşı koymak, belki sadece asi olmak, dikkat çekmek peşindeydim, belki de gerçekten inandığım şeylerdi savunduklarım... Çocuktum..Küçüktüm... Dünya büyüktü, dünya zordu, dünyanın en sorunlu, en dertli insanıydım... Siyaseti, hayvan haklarını, lösemili çocukları, dinin buyruklarını hep düşünürdüm derin derin... 15imdeyken aynı anda birden çok ideolojiye inanırdım. Kendimi hem MHP'li adledip, hem de Türkiyeden ve Türklerden nefret etmeyi aynı anda başarırdım ve sonra kendimi bir anda TKP'li bulurdum ama yine de kürtlere ısınamazdım. Aynı anda hem metal, hem rap hem arabesk dinledim ben... Erkeklerle de öpüştüm, kızlarla da... Ben gündüzleri okula giderdim, sonra biraz isyan ederdim, sonra da yazılıya çalışırdım ertesi gün için... Bana göre ben çok normaldim... Dünyaydı asıl deliren...

Ben büyüdüm sonra... Hümanist oldum... Sevgiye inandım... Siyasete, poltikaya soğudum. Apolitik oldum. Anladım ki hırslarına yenik düşen insanlardı bizleri yöneten... Öyle ya da böyle hep çıkarlar vardı... Zaten benim gibi sevseler hayatı, böyle olamazlardı. Kimseye zulüm edemezlerdi...

Bu gün ben... Dinsizim... İmansızım... İnançsızım...İçkiyi sever, aşk için yaşarım... Biraz korkağım, bazen de biraz fazla cesur... Farklıyım çoklarından, biliyorum... Kendimce iyiyim, kendimce bazen çok kötüyüm, kendimce cezalandırıyorum kendimi bazen ve bazen kendimce 'afferin lan sana!' diyebiliyorum. Cennet-cehenneme, ilahi adalete inanabilseydim gerçekten, 3buçuktan 4le cennete koyardım kendimi. Hoş cennet de hayalimde ağaçlar altında kızlı erkekli şarap içip şarkı söylediğim bir yerden ibaret ya... Yine de kendime kanaat notunu tam verirdim...

Bu gün ben, tek bir hayatım olduğunu biliyorum. Olabildiğim kadar mutlu olmaya çalışıyorum. Hassasiyet ayarı bozuk bir vicdanım var. Ne zaman yanlış işlere kalkışsam 'höst lan!' diyor. Ben de dinliyorum onu. Vicdanımı mutlu ettiğim sürece ben de mutlu oluyorum...

Anlayamadığım çok insan var hayatta... Yani anladığım az insan var doğrusu... Dünyada egemen olan her düşünce, haberlere konu olan her şey, kendini birşeylere yüzde yüz adamış her insan, bunların hepsi yoruyor benliğimi... Ben daha basit yaşamak istiyorum. Allahtan korkmadan iyilik yapmayı, komünist olmadan paylaşmayı, kürt-alevi-homoseksüel olmadan herkesi sevebilmeyi, ille de bir şey olmadan sadece insan olabilmeyi istiyorum...

Ben çocukken sokaklarda oynamak, ergen olduğumda isyan etmek, gençliğimde delice sevmek, istiyorum... Ben gezmek, yemek, içmek, sevmek, sevişmek, dans etmek, mutlu olmak istiyorum... Ben çocukken ölmek istemiyorum, ben gençken hapse girmek istemiyorum, ben katledilmek, nefret edilmek, sömürülmek, işkence edilmek, tecavüz edilmek,saldırılmak, öldürülmek istemiyorum... Ben sadece en basit şekliyle mutlu olmak istiyorum. Herkes birbirini sevebilsin istiyorum... İnsanlar korkuyla, dinle, inançla değil, sadece vicdanlarının sesiyle hizaya gelsin istiyorum. Ben aslında çok az şey istiyorum da.. İşte...

Note for myself

Sometimes you miss a place where you've been before so strong, you almost wanna cry. That is the feeling I have now... I've been in Germany for a year in 2012 and had the absolute most amazing year I've ever had. After living all my life in Turkey, Germany was  'freedom' for me... I've never felt so self-confident, independent, social and happy in my life. Now I miss those days... I miss my friends...  I miss the feeling I had in Germany. Right now I'm listening to the radio channel which I'd listened a lot  when I was in Germany... And I'm listening to 'Mad World' at this moment which makes me more and more depressive. I've never felt belonged to any place I lived before. All the cities I've lived in were always temporary for me. I had the most amazing times in Germany but I'd missed Turkey a lot when I was there. So I know this feeling is temporary as well. I even miss italy sometimes a lot even though I visited Italy only once for a week... I find it kind of funny, i find it kind of sad... I have an emptiness in me and I can't put any place there that I can call it as it is my hometown. I can't put there one but wanna have them all there in me... Anyway...

Dear me, please consider you might go live in a city anywhere in the world for couple of months in the next winter. Consider that you can learn a little foreign language and spent your money in a wise way rather than spending your money for 10 days long honeymoon... Malta would be a nice choice... You might improve your English, make new friends and enjoy the view of medditeranean coasts in a cozy island...

Dear me, please travel a lot... World is big but not the world you live in right now... Travel to other continents...  Travel as far as you can possibly afford... Live for that... Experience different cultures... Have stories in other land, anywhere other than where you are right now... Because you know, that is exactly what makes you alive...

A lovely pic taken by a lovely russian friend in Germany... Lovely times...

Wow... I really can't handle wit my emotions right now... The desire of being somewhere else is so strong  I feel numb...

My love for pumpkin and the other things...

Hello...

I've been so lazy lately, even though I challenged myself to do lots of stuff... It's because of the weather I guess. It's so cold... I'm lazy to go out for a walk in the mornings... Plus I like cooking more lately rather than following my healthy living rules. Today all I have done was only cooking. I spent all my time in the kitchen. I improvised on pumpkin, made a soup and a real delish dessert for lunch. For dinner I cooked from Turkish Cousine... I've cooked all day long and tried not to eat a lot. Seems impossible but I succeed... I feel hungry now... Here are the pics of my improvised recipes....

Pumpkin Soup

Ingredients
-200 gr  pumpkin (chopped)
-1 small potato (chopped)
-20-30 gr chopped celery (chopped)
-1 medium size onion(chopped)
-Salt&Pepper
-1 lt Chicken broth
-2-3 tbsp. extra virgin olive oil
-3/4 cup milk

Roast all the chopped veggies a little than add salt and pepper. Add boiled chicken broth into the pot, cook about 30-40 minutes. Mash it and add the milk at the and. Cook 2 more minutes. Ready to serve... I made also pumpkin and celery croutons for serving. It was delisicious...

Vanilla oatmeal porridge topped with mashed pumpkin

It's easy as its name.  Cooked the pumpkins for 1 hour with sugar, mashed it. Made the porridge with milk, sour cream and vanilla( no sugar added) and stuff them into a nice icecream serving bowl. It was unbelivebly delisicious. I couldn't expect that much!!!

I reached 2 minutes on my plank challange. But I don't do it everyday, or more than one time in a day. It's lazy of me but if it works in that way, I'll do in that way... I weigh myself every morning and I see day after day how crazy body I have. At the end of January I saw 56,3 on scale. 1 February I was 55,6. 2. February 55,7. Yesterday even though I haven't eaten any unhealty  stuff or junkfood I was 57 than with that motivation I couldn't stop myself from eating junkfood all thay long  but I felt hunger a lot as well. This morning I was 56,1... I just don't get what my real weight is. Let see how it will be tomorrow...

On the other hand. I'm missing my fiance a lot. Last night I had a sad dream. I was crying in my dream. Then I woke up and realized that I'm actually crying to hell out of me. I couldn't sleep for an hour. Then went to bed again. It's not getting any easier day by day as I thought to be... I miss him a lot... This soldering shit is really sucks!!! They should have the opportunity to decide weather they want to join the army or not... Not everybody has to be a patriot...

Tomorrow health issues day again. I'll be in the hospital...

That's all for tonight...

I'm gonna beat you so bad dear challenging February

Hello...

I rock! As I mentioned before this month is gonna be a challanging month for me. There are some challanges that I need to complete. First of all there is this plank challenge, starting from today I need to stay  on this position everyday longer and longer till I reach to 300sec. This won't be so hard I guess cause I already can stay for 105 sec. Then there is this loosing weight challange which is also going great because I started under my starting weight. It ca not be so hard... Then there is also go for a walk challange. I  set my goal as 10km walk everyday but it might be a little too much since winter is all around the country. Sometimes it gets so cold and I don't wanna go out for a walk early in the morning. I guess I'm gonna make it 5. Today I walked for 10km though. Anyway at the end of the month I'm gonna be 54 kg, healthy, fit chick done with all my challanges. Hopefully!!! About the measures of my body... I measured, weighed myself yesterday. But it did already changed today.

Yesterday's numbers

H:168 cm
W:56,3
Chest:84
Waist:67
Hips:96

Today I weighed myself again in the morning it seems a lot of weigtloss in a day so it might not be right but i saw 55,6 on scale.

On the other hand healthy eating thing is going great as well. I feel really way better than I used to be. I solved one of my health issues just with eating healthy. And the other solution for that problem  was going under the knife!!!

The boring lifestyle still contuniues... Mostly at home... But it's OK. I'm gonna leave soon...

Here some pictures of what I've been eating in past couple of days...

Breakfast: Whole world knows this breads as french toast but we have it in Turkey in our own way. Turkish french toast called fried egg breads. I is salted spiced and very very delicious. Although it's not a good breakfast for a fit life I guess. But I solved that problem with using very less extra virgin olive oils for frying it. 

Since the time I started post everything what I ate on Instagram, I become an oatmeal freak. I had no idea how tasty it could be before but now i mix it everyday with fruits, yoghurt, milk and i'm really  satisfied with the taste. Delish!!!

This was my dinner yesterday.  My thing is the more satisfying plate I have on my table, the more full stomach I have. Therefore I try to complete my plates with veggies and soup... 

Today's breakfast was a gourmet taste. Spinach omelette with grilled light halloumi and roasted cherry tomatoes, garlic breads, bree and an orange.. Yumm....

And again my oatmeal freakness... I found a porridge recipe on internet. Even though I had no idea what porridge is, i decided to make it. But of course in my own way. I've never been good at folloving recipes, I rather more of improvising. And that is my own way of raw apple porridge with flax seeds, pomegranate, chocolate and cinnamon. It was tasty. Really...

I can't wait for the Fall 2014

As I mentioned before I'm having a boring life right now. Have almost nothing to do and I'm mostly at home. But... In march I'll move to adorable city Antalya, in 4 months I'll move in my own apartment and decorate it how i wish, in 5 months I'll get married and in November I'll have a huge break for 5 months full of adventure and discovery. My fiance and I are planning an amazing fall and winter for us... Lycian way, Tailand, Bulgaria-Romania-Germany trip and more that we haven't planned yet...

There is this way called lycian way abot 500 km route starting from Fethiye  reach to Antalya. It takes 1 month to walk the way and you gotta camp out in the wood everyday. There are a lot of equipment must to have for this journey and we almost had everything already. Actually we wanted to begin  this fall  but then the engagement ceremony came up and my fiance's military service had to  be done, therefore we decided to postpone. But there is no way I'm gonna cancel it one more time. I already dream about it everyday. It is not a simple thing to do though. You gotta have a strong body to walk that much with a very heavy bag.  So I decided to be fitter than I ever wanna be. For that I might sign up for a professional workout training in summer and workout with barbell and those kind of stuff... But this way worth it. It's just nature and you, you and nature together. The most amazing views to see and the simplest life for a month. A great challange for your body and a great meditation for your soul. I just can't wait for it...

Legen... Wait for it... I'm gonna rock this month...Dary February :)

I've been eating a lot lately. I realized that whenever I try to inhibit myself hard, I don't get good results at all. I mean, when I try to stay away from chocalate for some days, I end up with eating two packages in a day for a week. I've been eating a lot lately because of that. Normally I had no issue with sugar, chocalate and desserts. I can stay away from those. My thing is more of salty junkfoods and patisserie things but when I say myself 'no you're not gonna eat any chocalate for a week at all', suddenly chocalate becomes my biggest desire. I stay away for some days but it never ends good. So... I decided to have a healty eating diet including chocolate. It can't be so harmfull. For that I'm gonna cook healty desserts and gonna buy really good quality chocolates...

Tomorrow is the weigh yourself and put realistic goals day for me. I'll try to eat as healthy as possible and be active as much as I can on February. My goal is to be able to see 54 on scale at the end of the month. Now I'm between 56,5-57 kg and I  gotta loose 2-2,5 kg in 1 month. Not a big deal actaully.... The thing is I've been eating clean and being active for more than a month but unfortinately I haven't lost weight at all... I've lost 1 kg and gained right back in some days at my period time. That's why I need to try hard to stay  motivated and gotta follow my diet. 

In February I'm gonna try to complete 30 Day Plank Challenge. I already can stay for 90sec and at the and of the month I gotta reach on 300sec. I can do it!!! :D 

I'm gonna be here tomorrow with all my measurements and goals... For now here some pictures of what I ate today...

Real Turkish Mediterranean Breakfast with arugula, parsley,olives, cucumber, tomatoe, boiled egg, grilled halloumi, bree, feta, ham, crispy wholewheat bread and  organic thyme tea. Yummy!!

A nice mix of oatmeal, fruits, raw hazelnuts and raisins with little bit of chocalate. Real delish... Nice for the lunch or a starving snacktime...

When I drink something hot, I gotta eat some snack with it to feel like I eat stuff!!! After all I feel  the hunger a lot lately... :/

This one I made yesterday. It was pretty much my first experience of making a smoothie. I didn't look for a recipe. I basicly mixed everything which sounds great together. And it was really really tasty... It's a mix of spinach, green apple,pear, banana,orange, milk and yoghurt. I wanna make another one tomorrow. It was real good...

And this cuty here is my dinner. It's tuna salad with lot's of veggies, mix of light mayo, ketchup, vinegar and lemon juice  as dressing... The most important ingredients are tuna, red onions and the dressing I guess, other stuff can be changed by the taste...

Waiting for living...

The life that I have now is kinda boring. It's like a limbo. I've been waiting for a long time to have only and only my life to live. It has never happened. Before, it was OK to live in that way. I wasn't waiting for anything,no expectations, no  realistic plans. But now... I need to countdown the days. I dream a  lot, need to plan a lot and I need to try a lot to keep my mind busy so I won't go crazy with now. The life that I'm living now is not a charming life at all.... But I try to do things... There is almost 2 more months for me to stay cool. Then it'll be all different. And in 5 months I'll be the happiest version of me. I gotta keep it up for a while more I guess. So what I can do for now is to focus on healthy eating and living things. Because out of that I literally have nothing at all to do...Gotta find something more I guess...

About today...

Today is finally a real cold winter day and was snowy early in the morning. I went for a walk for an hour. I could only make 5 km. It was frosty all over and it wasn't easy to walk properly. I came back home. Had a nice breakfast with my family.

I'm in the mood to miss my love, my past memories, the cities I've lived in and the city I'm gonna live. I missed living today and I hated waiting for living...

Even though I've missed snowy cold winter days a lot, I just wish myself sunnier days...